I like nice people. Don’t you? I like to be treated well and in most cases I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated (the “Golden Rule”). Most of my friends are Christians, and I think they’re nice people. Many people would reasonably conclude that nice Christians are following the example of Jesus, who, despite the controversy that surrounds his life, is probably almost universally understood to have been a “good person.” When asked if Jesus could be considered to be a “nice” person, I bet a lot of people would say yes. But then I think of the biblical account of Jesus overturning the tables in the temple and driving out the merchants with a whip. And I wonder whether, in light of that incident, all the people of the time thought of him as “nice.”
I often think that we Americans suffer from an epidemic of niceness. Politeness and propriety have become too much of a good thing. Some people define the times by a general slacking off in common courtesy, but I think these days are just as well marked by a decreasing willingness to confront. Heck, a lot of the time I myself am more concerned with keeping the peace than with speaking my true mind. “Political correctness” has crept in as a mechanism for preventing us from offending each other at all. More and more parents are coddling their kids rather than applying discipline and firm boundaries. I wonder if we are actually degrading into people of lesser character because we are so “nice.”
I mention Americans specifically because I suspect there are other cultures out there where people are more accustomed to speaking to matters directly without euphemisms. Not that they’re rude, it’s just their way to be more straightforward. Why aren’t most of us like that?
I think we like to be liked; more specifically, we dislike being disliked. Confrontations create dislike. If only we could learn that temporary dislike doesn’t have to cause a permanent rift in a relationship. (How many marriages would be vastly improved by that knowledge?) But that’s tough — at least for me! It’s easier, maybe even instinctive, to push someone away who’s hurt us rather than attempt to pull closer to heal the hurt. How exhausting it becomes to hang on to the grudge. How frustrating it is when someone you’ve hurt unintentionally holds a grudge against you, thereby denying you the chance to make things right. If there had been a college course in “Caring Confrontation,” I would gladly have taken it (anything instead of geometry).
How do you uphold truth without forsaking social grace? And how do you maintain healthy relationships in spite of conflict? Since I don’t have all the answers anyway, I’ll leave those open-ended questions as food for thought.
