“It’s OK to look.” That’s the slogan of an online dating service whose videos plaster sites like Myspace.
I once attended a seminar to be led by a young man in his 20’s. Before the session’s start, I entered in on the conversation of three older women who had just met and were discussing what they had previously heard and seen of the presenter. One woman commented on how knowledgeable he was.
“And so cute,” said another woman with vigor.
The third paused and seemed to regard her with mild disdain. “Aren’t you married?” she said, eyeing her ring.
“Well, I can look,” the woman smiled coyly.
It turned out this “looker” was a newlywed of barely a couple months. “Yeah, good luck with your marriage,” I restrained myself from saying.
Where do people get the idea that’s it’s “OK to look?” That somehow merely “looking” without actually taking physical action is permissible? If I stood by while a person was being bludgeoned on the street, would I not be to blame because I was “just looking?”
I was once in a coffee shop when a mentally disturbed man who wouldn’t stop talking to me threw his drink at me and left. Turns out everyone who saw it –including several men — just looked, too.
What makes us think that looking is different than taking physical action? Some might say that looking at a picture of a man is certainly much different than meeting the man in real life, much less doing anything else with him. But the problem is most people seem not to realize that the gap is small between thinking about doing something and doing it. After all, doesn’t a picture spark a desire? And, if we are left unrestrained, how long before the desire is kindled than we actually make attempts to physically obtain what was created in our heads? What restraints there are we will remove, with enough determination. How long will a cupcake last in the center of a room before someone eats it? The man lured by chocolate’s siren call will soon rationalize away constraints such as, “That cupcake was saved for Bobby”; “Sweets aren’t good for my diabetes”; or “I’m full.”
That’s why I find it so offensive that some people see nothing wrong with pornography. Do the same people who would say “You can do anything you set your mind to,” think that what the mind takes in has no affect on the action? (And there’s usually a physical action associated with porn — but we won’t go there.) Would you say that a man who uses porn is going to treat women the same way as a man who doesn’t? Is a husband who is sleeping with centerfolds in his mind going to maintain a satisfying relationship with his wife?
Something dawned on me recently. I think I was watching TV when suddenly I thought, “What if the vast majority of what TV has to say about sex isn’t true?” It sounds dumb, but for the person who hasn’t done it, probably the bulk of their opinion and knowledge of sex has been informed by popular media. (And they don’t need to watch much of it.) After lots of music and movies create anticipation something supposedly amazing, a 13-year-old decides to let her guard down. And experiences a major letdown. What a bill of goods. But at least we know better once we are older, right? Don’t count on it.
I bet if we tried, we could decide to look at things differently, to look at different things. Men, turn your eyes away from the magazine covers. Women, turn your heads away from the soap operas. We don’t have to buy what we’re being sold. If we’d stop buying it, maybe we’d start investing in better things: ourselves, our famlies, and a better society in general. It’s worth looking into.
